New Models for Love, Family and Community

Love and Polyamory
an essay bu Jim Lockhart

Most people in western cultures have been raised to believe that monogamy is the only safe, practical, responsible, moral lovestyle for adults. I'd like to briefly present some of the reasons why I believe polyamory, or responsible nonmonogamy, is a viable alternative to monogamy and a richer, more practical choice for many people.

Monogamy originally meant one life-long marriage with a single mate. What it generally represents today is serial monogamy, or involvement with a single lover at any given time, but a string of relationships over the course of a lifetime. Non-monogamy is nothing new--people have been non-monogamous since the beginning of humankind. However, until recently, it was considered immoral, deviant behavior in most western cultures, was identified as a major taboo in most religions, and it was generally done secretly--"cheating" on one's wife or husband and lying about it, while pretending to be the "faithful" spouse. Due to sexism and women's economic dependence on men throughout most of history, men could usually "get away with" extra-marital affairs, mistresses, sexual relationships with prostitutes, and even having several wives because women's powerless economic and political position forced them to accept any and all behavior from their husbands. Women were much less at liberty to stray outside of marriage and have other relationships. This was partly because their primary responsibility for home and children seriously restricted their mobility, partly due to lack of effective birth control methods, and partly because the "adulteress" was usually severely punished by society for her transgression. However, the philandering husband generally was tolerated with a "boys will be boys" attitude. Due to dramatically increased life expectancies and expanding opportunities for communication, travel, new experiences and personal growth, some of us today realize that a single life-long relationship is no longer a realistic goal. Yet we are hesitant to accept this fact and embrace the many alternative lovestyles.

Polyamory is a term often used to describe many of these alternatives for loving more than one person:

• Those pursuing extramarital affairs
• Open relationships
• Intimate networks
• Group marriages

In my use of the term, it may refer to any responsible nonmonogamous lovestyle.

A polyamorous relationship is a relationship in which:

• Love and intimacy are the primary goals, not just recreational sex.
• Everyone involved freely agrees to the terms and conditions of the relationship, and everyone is committed to living up to their agreement as best they can.
• The relationship is based on honesty, trust, mutual respect and admiration.

Does polyamory effectively meet the functions of a romantic love relationship?
For one thing, in America since about 1800 (before that many marriages were arranged) romantic love has been idolized more and more. We expect to "fall in love:" our hearts should instantly throb, our thoughts constantly dwell on the lover, and our sexual organs continuously moisten. Many of us hunger for this kind of intense, consuming love, even if it isn't our nature to be wildly romantic. We believe that some magical day it will happen: we'll "meet and instantly recognize the right person" and "live happily ever after" until "death do us part!" How do these notions from movies and novels fit with reality? Poorly! It takes weeks or months, maybe years, to get to know another person and to find out how the two of you will get along. We can hardly do both--be madly in love and objectively assess our future with the partner--at the same time. So, this is a paradox. Is there a solution?

First, let’s examine a loving relationship as it typically and generally would exist between two adults. It consists of varying degrees of 3 ingredients:

1. Intimacy = baring souls, sharing, liking, and bonding (a slowly developing emotional-interpersonal involvement, as in a friendship).
2. Passion = in this sense, sexual attraction (an instant or quickly developing motivation or addiction which usually declines over the years to a stable level).
3. Commitment = stable, dependable devotion (a slowly developing cognitive decision to stick by the other person in good and bad times, as in a marriage or a committed relationship).
   
   Different mixtures of these three ingredients determine what kind of love it is, e.g.:

Type of Love	Intimacy	Passion	Commitment
Casual friendships/non-love	no	no	no
Liking--very good friends	yes	no	no
Infatuation	no	yes	no (only temporary)
Empty "love"	no	no	yes
Romantic love	yes	yes	no (only temporary)
Companionate love	yes	no	yes
Fatuous love/whirlwind courtships	no	yes	yes
Consummate love	yes	yes	yes

The Triangle of Love: Intimacy, Passion, Commitment, Robert J. Sternberg (Bennett, 1985) (Out of print) Also of note from this author: Love Is A Story, 1999. ISBN: 0195131029

To answer the question put forth in the last paragraph, I believe polyamory provides more  opportunity -- more companionship (intimacy + commitment), more people to love and admire, more people to be loved by, more varied opportunities for sexual fulfillment (passion) and more people around to give you a second or third opinion!

But is the experience as deep? For those familiar with Nathaniel Branden's concept of psychological visibility, can visibility be attained as completely? From my personal experiences and those of many others I’ve t alked with, I can confidently answer yes! Greater visibility and mirroring is afforded by multiple intimate partners. In fact, polyamory is an ideal context for visibility. It requires absolute honesty with oneself and one's partners, and each partner will reflect a slightly different yet overlapping view of who we are.

Polyamory also offers continual growth and self-discovery. These multi-adult relationships are inherently more complex and demanding. They are also outside our cultural norms, are contrary to much of what we have been taught all our lives, and generally are without established guidelines, role models, support, and acceptance. In fact, polyamory is illegal in most states, and people are still being tried and convicted based on these unfair laws! In meeting these many challenges, personal growth is expedited and we are afforded tremendous opportunity to learn about ourselves, our partners, and how to relate to the world around us.

Another benefit of polyamory can be the pooling of resources, physical, mental, and emotional. Having multiple adults in the same household, or at least sharing physical property, is more economical and drains fewer resources from the environment. It generally allows each member to attain a higher standard of living than they could attain on their own, barring large discrepancies in ability or earning power. Anyone who has gone through a cycle of marriage and divorce, or even living with a roommate then parting and having to reconstruct a household on your own, must know how expensive and inconvenient this can be.

Pooling mental and emotional resources is also valuable. There is synergy to accomplish more in any shared projects, and lots of support, encouragement, and helpful criticism for individual projects. How many times have you gotten in a fight with someone because one of you was tired, irritated, or upset by some unrelated issue? A third person can often provide a voice of reason in such situations, avoid unnecessary fights, and serve as mediator to improve the effectiveness of a necessary discussion. There are more people to support you in difficult times, and more people to share your joy in happy times. And should one partner leave or die, you know you will not be left alone.

I would also like to address polyamory as it relates to family life and raising children, as procreation is an important factor in many sexual relationships. When I first started to consider the polyamorous lifestyle, I was concerned that it would be too difficult and confusing for any children involved. So far, what I've seen has been quite to the contrary. The children I've seen raised by an extended family of multiple loving adults have been self-confident, well-socialized, and very happy, which seems to be a rarity these days.

The poly lifestyle provides these children with more loving caregivers and teachers, and great role models to learn how to relate to others in a positive way. It provides the biological parents an opportunity to receive more help and support, and avoid the stress and burn-out of being a full-time parent. It is also a great opportunity for anyone incapable of having children of their own, of for any woman who for whatever reason does not wish to undergo childbirth, to be involved in raising children.

It seems obvious to me that polyamory can meet all of the basic needs served by any romantic love relationship. The remaining question is whether or not it is consistent with one's values and brings happiness to those involved. That must be decided upon on an individual basis, but here are some values which I think are common to polyamorists:

• Diversity, intensity, and a high level of stimulation
• Independence, and a high level of self-confidence and self-awareness
• Commitment to personal growth and to nurturing growth in others
• High levels of communication, intimacy, and mutual self-disclosure
• High levels of honesty, trust, and openness
• A very positive attitude toward sex
• Avoidance of possessive/territorial behavior

This last issue is very important. Anyone wishing to pursue a polyamorous lovestyle will need to overcome that old double standard. Situational jealousies will still probably occur at times, and will have to be dealt with in a calm, rational, mutually supportive manner. But the prevailing attitude should be that you want to share your love with more than one person, you expect your lovers to do the same, and whatever makes your lover happy generally makes you happy as well. On a positive note, once adjusted to the polyamorous lovestyle, fears of abandonment are generally minimized or disappear as it is realized that lovers are not tossed aside or replaced when another lover appears on the scene!

In The Psychology of Romantic Love, Nathaniel Branden posed what he felt may be "the ultimate challenge of romantic love:" "To understand and respect our longing for permanence, and at the same time to ally ourselves with the process of growth and inevitable change." I consider polyamory, or responsible nonmonogamy, to be an outstanding way to meet this challenge!

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