New Models for Love, Family and Community

Introduction to Polyamory

alt.polyamory says:
Polyamory means "loving more than one". This love may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, or any combination thereof, according to the desires and agreements of the individuals involved, but you needn't wear yourself out trying to figure out ways to fit fondness for apple pie, or filial piety, or a passion for the Saint Paul Saints baseball club into it. "Polyamorous" is also used as a descriptive term by people who are open to more than one relationship even if they are not currently involved in more than one. (Heck, some are involved in less than one.) Some people think the definition is a bit loose, but it's got to be fairly roomy to fit the wide range of poly arrangements out there.

Morning Glory Zell Ravenheart, of the Ravenheart family, an open polyamorous group marriage who are among the matriarchs and patriarchs of the polyamory movement, coined the term "polyamory" in 1991, defining it as "a peaceful and ethical lovestyle." Morning Glory Zell Ravenheart is the primary partner of Oberon Zell Ravenheart, 56, founder of the Neo-Pagan Church of All Worlds, inspired by Robert Heinlein's science fiction novel "Stranger In A Strange Land."

Polyamory in it's most basic sense is responsible, honest non-monogamy, as opposed to what society commonly calls "cheating". In a polyamorous relationship, the partners involved all know about one another, and are consenting. The major elements in most polyamorous relationships are: honesty, openness, and plenty of communication. Polyamorists believe that the addition of a new partner does not detract from the love given to the first partner, nor does it in anyway imply that the first partner is lacking in any way. Much time and effort is spent in a polyamorous relationship to assure that everyone involved is comfortable, secure, and that all their needs are met.

Relationship Styles or Lovestyles

Lovestyle, the design or structure of a sexualove relationship, like the term lifestyle, implies a conscious choice. Polyamory encompasses an infinite number of relationship possibilities, or lovestyles, limited only by the imagination, needs, and cooperation of the partners involved. We will not even attempt to cover all the possibilities, but will outline some of the more common relationship styles and guidelines.

Most polyamorists base multiple relationships primarily on strong emotional feelings, or love, with sexual relations often following as a natural way to express that emotion. Some poly relationships may not even involve sex. Other poly relationships may start out based on a more sexual attraction, and the emotions grow as the relationship intensifies.

In the polyamorous community you will find a variety people and relationships, all with one thing in common: an agreement that non-monogamy is natural and acceptable, if practiced in an open and honest way without domination in ownership or jealousy. While this is far from an all-inclusive list, some of the types of people and groups you may find are:

Poly Singles: People who are not currently involved in any relationship, but believe in the concept of polyamory, and hope to incorporate it into any future relationships they may have.

Poly Couples: Committed couples that are open to having relationships outside of their own relationship. Some committed couples may choose to have relationships separately, or some may choose to both be involved in the same relationship. For example, they may choose to become involved with another couple, or if one partner is bisexual, they may both be involved with the same individual person.

Open Poly Groups: A group of 3 or more people who are committed to one another in some way, and are also open to adding new partners to the relationship, either as a separate relationship between one partner and a new person, or as an addition to the group.

Closed Poly Groups: A group of 3 or more people who are committed to one another in some way, therefore practicing non-monogamy, but have chosen not to add any new partners. This is commonly referred to as "polyfidelity".

Closed Group Marriage 1: A group of individuals who describe themselves as married but may or may not be all primaries and who are closed to outside sexual relationships 2: A marriage in which fidelity is not equated with monogamy

Expanded Family: A relationship in which three or more partners consciously chose each other as family, partners may or may not live together, there is the potential for all family members to be sexual with each other if they mutually chose to do so but this is not a requirement for family membership, synonymous with intentional family

Group Marriage: A marriage involving more than two people

Group Relationship: A committed, loving relationship involving multiple partners

Intentional Family: A relationship in which three or more partners consciously chose each other as family, partners may or may not live together, there is the potential for all family members to be sexual with each other if they mutually chose to do so but this is not a requirement for family membership, synonymous with expanded family

Intimate Network: Individuals who desire friendship and perhaps sex with their lover's and other friend's, forming a web of varying connections within a social circle. They are informal webs of people with varying levels of interpersonal bonding and commitment who share a belief in open multilateral relationships. Intimate Networks often develop around or among open marriages or open couples. People in Intimate Networks and other Polyamorous relationships sometimes refer to the depth of their relationships as "Primary," "Secondary," and "Tertiary" to describe the varying levels of commitment involved.

Primary Relationships are the closest relationship type, the person(s) given the most time, energy and priority in a person's life; includes high level of intimacy, attraction and commitment as demonstrated by marriage-level bonding (such as shared life paths, goals, parenting, economics, housing, important values, ongoing emotional support, etc.) Typically includes a desire for a shared lifelong future together.

Secondary Relationships are close relationship types; by definition they are given less in terms of time, energy and priority in a person's life than any primary relationship. Includes aspects of primary relating, such as sexuality and emotional support but usually involves fewer ongoing commitments as evidenced by fewer shared values, plans or financial/legal involvements. May include a desire for a long-term future together.
Tertiary Relationships are relationships that may include emotional support or sexuality on a one-time or highly erratic schedule. Attention or energy is given in bursts but the relationship(s) is not a consistent part of one's life.

Line Marriage: a term from the works of Robert A. Heinlein, science fiction writer, meaning a marriage that from time to time adds younger members, eventually establishing an equilibrium population, spouses dying off at the same rate as new ones are added, this is a different form of familial immortality than the traditional one of successive generations of children

New Paradigm Relating: a philosophy of relationship which emphasizes using the relationship to consciously enhance the psychological and spiritual development of the partners, New Paradigm Relating is characterized by responding authentically in the present moment, honoring individual autonomy, equality, total honesty and self responsibility.

Open Marriage: Includes one primary spouse bond and other secondary or tertiary lover's depending on availability and circumstance.

Open Group Marriage: A group of individuals who describe themselves as married, but may or may not be all primaries and who are open to outside sexual relationships.

Open Relationship: An agreement among the members in which the partners decide that they can have sexual relations outside of the relationship. Partners have agreed that they can have sexual relations independently of each other.

Plural Marriage: a name often applied to Mormon-style polygyny, all the wives may live together or each may have her own home. See Polygyny.

Polyandry 1: The state or practice of having two or more husbands at the same time 2: The mating of one female animal with more that one male.

Polyfidelity: A group in which all partners are primary to all other partners and sexual fidelity is to the group; shared intent of a lifelong run together. More primary partners can be added with everyone's consent. The Kerista commune coined the term.

Polygamy: The practice of having more than one wife or husband at one time

Polygyny: 1: The state or practice of one dominant man having two or more wives at the same time without fully equal respect and freedom of the heart and soul of all involved and not allowing their wives to enjoy intimate love of others 2: The mating of a male animal with more than one female

PolyMarriage: 1: the state of being committed in multiple partnered relationship 2: a multiple partnered relationship where commitment ritual was performed 3: any close or intimate multi partnered union of duration.

Triad 1: any three-person lovestyle. 2: three people involved in some way; most often used in a committed sense; in some cases involving ceremonies of commitment 3: a union or group of three usually closely related persons or things

Triangle: (or equilateral triangle) relationship where three people are each involved with both of the others, sometimes also called a triad

Monogamy: Not polyamorous, but a valid choice. The problem is that it often doesn't work. Over 50% of the time it becomes serial monogamy with different relations, different marriages over time. Monogamy is what society teaches is "right" and those disagreeing tend to hide. Studies show 70% of all marriages involve "cheating". See Time magazine "Infidelity - It may be on our genes" 8/15/94 issue for extensive study showing how more than one sexual partner is historically more natural than monogamy. This is perhaps the biggest (unkept?) secret in our culture and within the Church. Monogamy should be based on a couples' CHOICE, not because they think it's the only legitimate option.

Sexuality and Polyamory

Polyamorists in any of the above lovestyles may consist of heterosexuals, gays/lesbians, bisexuals, transgendered, etc., or any combination of sexual orientations. Each poly relationship may have different guidelines or relationship agreements designed to make everyone involved comfortable. Examples of some guidelines, which may be implemented by poly partners, are:

Condom Commitment: Partners maintain multiple relationships with an agreement to confine exchange of bodily fluids and barrier-free intercourse to the primary relationship.

Safe Sex Circle: an agreement to confine exchange of bodily fluids and barrier-free intercourse to a closed group which has previously been screened for sexually transmitted diseases; syn. Condom Commitment

Single-sex Polyamory: A person may feel comfortable allowing a partner to seek outside relationships with people of one sex but not the other.

Veto: Partners agree to an open relationship, but allow their primary partner to approve any new partners. If the primary partner does not approve of a new partner, then the new relationship will not continue.

Prior Approval: Each partner is allowed to seek out other relationships, but each partner has the right to meet a new partner before the relationship moves to a sexual level, and the primary partner is involved in any decisions which may impact the primary relationship.

Inclusive Polyamory: Partners agree to open their relationship to multiple partners, but not to have separate relationships. In other words, all partners must be involved with any new partner. Most commonly found in relationships with bisexuality, but not always. For example, "Involved" may include deep friendship, or group sex that does not involve bisexuality.

Primary Priority: Partners maintain multiple relationships, with the agreement that their primary relationship always comes first. These other relationships are often called "secondary".

Tell-All: Partners agree to maintain multiple relationships and agree to keep each other informed of specific and intimate details.

Need-to-Know: Partners agree to maintain multiple relationships and each agrees to make the other aware that a new relationship has started, but does not supply addition information or specific details unless asked.

Don't Ask/Don't Tell: Partners agree to an open relationship, but would rather not be aware of any outside relationships their partner has.

Sexual Polyamory: Partners agree to multiple sexual relationships, but prefer to keep them on a primarily sexual level, with less emotional involvement. For many, this type of arrangement may be more accurately described as swinging.

Polyamory & Swinging

A common type of non-monogamous relationship which seems to be more well known among general society than the term "polyamory" is often called "swinging". Are polys "swingers"? Pali Paths of Hawaii answers this question with the following, which we think is an excellent explanation:

"Polyamory is about close intimate personal relationships rather than casual sex, and poly groups do not hold sex parties or serve as pick-up clubs. Polys vary a good deal in their attitudes toward casual or recreational sex, though most polys are sensuous, adventuresome people. Still, many swingers may find that polyamory is a natural step onward in their relationship path, carrying them beyond recreational sex to multilateral intimacy."

There is a bit of debate as to the similarities and differences between swinging and polyamory. Some polyamorists consider swinging to be a subset of polyamory, with a stronger emphasis on the sexual aspects of the relationship, while other polyamorists may even look upon the swinging community with distaste. The differences (or lack of differences) are irrelevant. The important thing to realize is that regardless of what a person calls themselves, you will find both relationship types under each category. Some self-called polys may concentrate heavily on the sexual aspect of a relationship, while some self-called swingers, may consider emotional bonding to be a primary element in their relationships. As a result, the two terms seem to overlap in a way that forces a very broad definition. We at PolyOrlando   encourage passive acceptance of any relationship style, be it monogamy, polyamory, swinging, abstinence, infidelity, etc. We are not here to claim one way of life is right or wrong, good or bad, but rather to educate on the existence of polyamory as a relationship option, and to offer support to those who are interested in leading a polyamorous way of life.

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