Evolutionary Shifts in Cultural Standards
Edited By Jim Lockhart Have you ever fallen in love with or connected with a lover you adored, and your world suddenly came alive, but you felt like couldn't do anything about it for one reason or another? Or have you ever been out and flirted with a really cute guy who smiled at you, then your boyfriend become grumpy for the rest of the evening and most of the next day? Have you been attracted to your best friend's girlfriend, or your girlfriend's best friend, and you both want to meet for an afternoon walk in the park or whatever but one or both of you feel that it's impossible because everyone else will freak? Have you ever wondered if maybe there are other, happier possibilities for getting together than the ones we were taught by our parents, friends, the preacher or the rabbi? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then I have some good news for you. I'd like to introduce you to a new word and a new and different way of loving other people: 'Polyamory'. It is the way of life of people who choose to openly and honestly have more than one, sustainable loving relationship at a time - or at least be open to that possibility. I'm not talking about a new type of floor wax or wood preservative or a new synthetic cooked up in a Dupont research lab, nor am I talking about the folks who sneak around and cheat on their spouses or lovers to secretly meet for more than lunch in the local park, nor am I speaking of those who type megabytes of messages in the internet chat rooms with their secret friend in Chicago, then come quietly up to bed. Maybe you've heard the term 'swingers'? Nope, not talking about them either! Swingers practice lurid, loveless, recreational sex with almost anyone, and share a bizarre thing called "emotional monogamy" with their husband or wife, and that's not part of polyamory. Polyamory. The word meaning "many loves," is a conscious commitment to living sustainable intimate partnerships differently, more honestly, with greater freedom, trust and equality. Such commitment is less of a pledge to stick around forever, and more a recognition of the other as an autonomous individual. If "polyamory" sounds like a new car wax it might be because in theory it combines the properties of strength, durability and flexibility while exponentially increasing your chances of getting a date for Friday night. Polyamory is based on honesty: the reality that keeping things honest in our relationships is the first step to living one's truth not only in relationships but also the rest of the time. While the concept of honesty in one's relationships may seem radical to some, for people who call themselves polyamorous it includes building their lives to accommodate more than one intimate, loving partner about whom everybody else involved knows. In other words, everyone involved is up front, open and honest and they're OK with their partners having other intimate relationships. Many science fiction authors have written about this concept in books like Stranger in a Strange Land or The Harrad Experiment, or TV shows such as Star Trek or Babylon 5. Millions of people thought it was a pretty cool concept and wished they could do that in real life. Well, here's your chance! I don't particularly like labels, but names for concepts help us comprehend their reality. Knowing it can be risky to label anything, I personally use the term "polyamory" carefully and with some reservation mostly for utility and strongly urging that it be counted among the many things disposable. I have another word for polyamory: life. Many people that I have met hear about polyamory for the first time and it occurs to them that there's actually a word for what they've been needing, feeling and/or doing all their lives. It comes to them as a great relief to finally know that not only is there a word to describe their way of life, that there are also plenty of other folks out there who feel exactly the same way! On the other hand, I have seen other people react to hearing about polyamory like it was one more pathetic permutation of sexual psychosis such as that being paraded on television by Jerry Springer, or some kind of sexual panacea of unfettered, promiscuous sexual activity. I promise you, polyamory is neither of these! Allow me to digress and talk about monogamy for a moment. Monogamy actually works for some people. Far more find that what at first appeared to be a guaranteed permanent dream vacation for two in Tahiti can end up more like the experience of doing what everyone else is doing and assuming that since everyone else is doing it, it must be OK. They do what the masses do and tend to go through life never knowing that they could have been leading a much richer, more fulfilling life as a real, live, growing human being. They automatically reject as untenable any other brand of relationship. Sociologists, meanwhile, have done studies exposing the state of marriage as falling somewhere between Dresden after World War II and Waco, Texas after the feds went home. We already know that more than half of all marriages end in divorce, though this figure is somewhat inflated by people who attempt it nine times (serial monogamy). Recent studies expose that cheating (having outside secret relationships and secret sex) occurs in anywhere from 25% to 75% of these allegedly monogamous bonds. So much for the notion that marriage or any form of monogamy protects you from AIDS, syphilis or other STD's. Medical science has shown that it's not just unprotected sex that spreads HIV in particular, but rather the combination of sex and lying. This starkly distinguishes the "sense of security" our monogamous relationships were made to create, with the actual security of knowing that you and your partner are on the level in our polyamorous relationships. One of the things that makes the romantic notion of pure devotion to one person an unrealistic expectation is that it ignores human sexual desire. Along with all the other things that God created, He also created sex and desire - and sex and desire were good too. For over 1800 years, until about 1914, religion has taught that sex is shameful and to be used only for procreation and was not to be enjoyed. Some religions still teach this idea today. How did this false teaching come about? Basically, it's a twisted perversion of the Adam and Eve story that I won't get into here. Several studies have shown that men and women think about sex once every 9.2 seconds, and it's not always the same person popping up in those fantasies 391.3 times an hour. We humans are lusty. We're hot. We're very sexual. Most of us are walking high-voltage electrodes of sexual desire, and many of us are orgasms on two feet, assuming we stay upright. Why lose sleep over it? The notion of a "biological imperative" for monogamy originally came about as a necessity in the hunter-gatherer caveman days when, in order to survive, a man and a woman worked as a team to feed themselves and their children. The men would typically go out and hunt down wild game while the women would typically gather fruits and berries to eat and keep the cave neat and clean. Later on, religious beliefs stepped in and made the decision for us that it would be good for all to remain married forever to one and only one person and it was a mortal sin to do otherwise. The "biological imperative" says that men don't want women to cheat physically, because that could reduce their genetic fitness, as they might end up supporting a child that isn't of their own genes. (Birth control has solved this problem to a great extent.) Women don't want men to cheat emotionally, because the man is needed at least for the first few years of the newborn's life and they could lose the man to another woman and as a result, he won't be around to help provide for the children. Birth control, has, in part, solved this problem as well. The biological fact is, though, that 98% to 99% of all animal species on Earth are not naturally monogamous, including our closest primate cousins, the Bonobo chimpanzees. (see March 1995 issue of Scientific American, pp. 82-88) The finding, published recently in Helen Fisher's The Anatomy of Love, that 86% of world cultures sanction some form of marriage to more than one partner seems to weaken the spiritual or social imperative for the incredible pressure we put ourselves under to maintain one partner. It is controversial to openly admit to having or wanting more than one long-term intimate partner in our society. Why? Because in our society if you have such desires, you are expected to lie and cheat on your loved one to satisfy those desires. This upholds the notion of the biological imperative that monogamy is based upon. Being open and honest goes against the grain of those social expectations. Imagine that - our society expects you to lie and cheat to get what you want. Eyebrows go up. Your credibility is on the line. You'd better have a good explanation. What's wrong with this picture??? "You may be in a conversation with a seemingly rational person when the topic of non-monogamy comes up," says Brett Hill, co-editor of the quarterly Loving More magazine, a Boulder, Colorado-based central information point and philosophical forum for the polyamorous community. "Your friend's demeanor changes. What was a decent conversation suddenly becomes a verbal assault, and it's personal. It's as if there was a military unit that trained each U.S. citizen in the defense of monogamy to bring out the big guns and annihilate discussion of anything else." Hill sees part of his mission as keeping that discussion going, and debunking the myth that monogamy is the only moral or spiritually legitimate way of life. It's fine, he says, if that's what you want, and if that's what you're really doing, but quite often it is neither. "In many ways, people function in two separate and often contradictory spheres," says Hill. "One consists of a set of proscriptions concerning what behavior ought to occur. The other consists of what people actually do in concrete instances when overt behavior is observed. The two are in direct conflict in most every aspect of sex, marriage and family life." Hill agrees with the position of some anthropologists that cultural norms, that is, the rules themselves, serve the function of obscuring the actual behavior. The taboo around even discussing polyamory appears to be a veil drawn not over polyamory itself, but rather what it exposes about the way we were taught to do our monogamous relationships, and what, in reality, happens within them. Often a discussion of one will lead to a discussion of the other. Honest talk about polyamory with someone who claims to be monogamous often digresses into an investigation of the concept of what it really means to think you possess or own another human being. It may also mean exploring the idea of how a complex person could relate to several different intimate partners. Exploring the idea of opening your life to other partners involves honestly investigating what your real needs are, and admitting how they might not be being met in your current situation. One of the problems with monogamy the way it is frequently practiced, is that often one-and-only-one pairing implies not just exclusivity with one lover, but also the curtailing of other freedoms and friendships that may be perceived as threats to your partner; cutting off ties with old flames, not going to dance school, not taking vacations by yourself, not masturbating, not sharing your authentic life goals with your partner because in some way they conflict with your current reality structure, and more importantly, not mentioning anything that might threaten the tenuous state of the partnership - silent needs, unspoken resentments, unanswered questions and so on. Such failures-to-mention are the building blocks of a failed relationship. I have more good news, though. Polyamory provides a legitimate, more ethical, more honest way to expand our idea of partnership, recognizing that humans have legitimate needs for variety and community. It's healthy for us. Sometimes I think it's as if our society is evolving from adolescence to adulthood and that we've just been waiting for someone to give us permission. What about jealousy? Some say it's that little, green-eyed monster in the back of your head that attempts to tell you what it thinks your partner is going to do. In most relationships, discussing jealousy honestly, speaking about our fear of abandonment, of the relationship changing or ending, of opening up about how we feel about the people in our lives, brings us closer together. Barriers diminish or even vanish. Bonding becomes deeper and clearer. Honesty and open communications, practiced 100% of the time, creates shared lives based on authentic understandings. Perhaps polyamory is dangerous because it makes us face each other. We are currently taught to relate to each other in a way that often causes us to keep secrets, withhold our feelings, deny our desires, want to own and control our partners and blatantly lie about what we actually do - then frequently split up. If we are to live a polyamorous way of life then we have to take an honest look at ourselves and be who we are, and see our partners for who they really are. By being honest with ourselves and with each other and our true feelings, intimacy is a very hard thing to escape. |
